Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Rows to hoe, sometimes hard.

Well, there was the car accident. Travel. One year molars making their active presence known. The struggle with finances, old cars, time management and balance. A computer crash, loss of materials, writer's block, late freelance work. There is continuing strife at home over old wounds and hard feelings between me and the Mister. There is a certain disquieting coolness I would not have guessed at in the early days. All calls for vigilence, forgiveness, softening and the willingness to let go of the parts that just aren't working.

There are the two new mama jobs n(fantastic for so many reasons), and yet new challenges to mount, obstacles to navigate. Ms. Booty Homemaker has added a pink collar to her well worn apron, now working for Attachment Parenting International --originally in the capacity of Director of Finance & Administration, now in redefinitio-- and-- in addition to and as outgrowth of local organizing-- as National Outreach Coordinator for Mothers Acting Up. The former has brought forth parenting / professional dilemas with regard to office time and Ziggy's unhappiness. Though I've had the great fortune to keep him with me all the time, the schedule changes, split mama focus, and restrictions have been unforseeably hard on him. Due to his misery and discomfort, today is a work at home day. I type right now as my tired, snuffly snouted cold ridden, teething, purple pump-knot on the head (received in a Sunday leap from the bed into the bedside bookcase) baby boy nurses and slumbers simultaneously.

There are growing pains for all of us. In recent weeks, Ziggy has taken his first steps, increased his vocabulary nearly by half, spoken his first sentence and been caught up in the frustration attendant to differentiation, change in routine and lack of ability to communicate in line with desire. All of which leads to angry hitting, biting, throwing of objects and ohhhhhhh, so many tears.

I'm flat out busted tired. Discouraged in part. Disheartened. Lonely.

And yet, I have the best of all possible reasons to stay focused. Motherhood and marriage are not for the weak and self indulgent.

Renewal will surely come. Balance and clarity, too.

Thank goodness it is nearly really Autumn, my most favored season, and the one I think of as the true beginning of a year, ripe with the harvest of reinvention.


  1. sing it sister.

    lots of tired and disheartened in 04043, too.

    let the goodness fall on down.

    gentle thoughts your way, paige girl.

    in need of a good old big-ass snowfall -

  2. Poor Mamma. Changes are hard. Maybe it is time for a metaphorical fall cleaning! I think trasitions are simply hard. But your boys are beautiful, and so are you... All this will pass much more quickly than you'd'a ever thought possible. Just hang on.